Toastmasters International -Make Friends With Feedback

Two people, a woman and a man, are standing in front of a whiteboard discussing something, with the woman gesturing and the man listening intently.

Early in my career as a university instructor, I organized a national conference at my school. After I put out a call for evaluations of the event, one presenter cornered me at a break in the proceedings to tell me what I had already done wrong. I was so demoralized that, decades later, I still remember what she said, and how I felt.

Whether or not she was right isn’t the issue. What stands out to me is that I had asked for feedback when I was in no way ready to accept it. The story is ironic for at least two reasons: First, I had expressly asked for constructive criticism. Second, I had placed as first runner-up in our District Evaluation Contest a few years earlier. In other words, I knew how to dish out feedback, but I had no idea how to take it. And I was not alone.

Rob Nash, Ph.D., head of psychological research at the National Institute of Teaching in the United Kingdom, says many people struggle with this process.

“It’s clear that receiving and acting on feedback are difficult skills,” says Nash in a British Psychological Society publication, “and we recognize people haven’t been taught these skills, but we still expect they should be intuitively good at it.”

Whether performing onstage, working in an office, maintaining a personal relationship, or speaking at Toastmasters meetings, we are all subject to evaluation of one type or another. And that’s usually a good thing. Useful feedback can motivate, enhance skills, and promote personal and professional growth. Useless feedback, on the other hand, might start with a poor evaluator—or it simply might be potentially useful feedback that has landed on unprepared ears.

How to Accept Feedback

According to “Evaluation and Feedback,” a Level 1 Pathways project, the key to accepting feedback is to be thoughtful, engaged, positive, and open. Here are other strategies for boosting this all-important skill:

Ask for feedback only when you are ready for it. Granted, if we are in school, or if we are up for our annual review at work, we may not be able to schedule the most convenient time for an evaluation. The same goes for Toastmasters meetings. That said, you don’t have to read written evaluations during, or even directly after, the meeting at which you presented. And if you know in advance when an evaluation is going to take place, you can at least prepare yourself for it by reframing.

Reframe. Many of us think of feedback as criticism, which is derived from the Greek word for “judgment.” Judgment, as we know, can have negative connotations. But if we think of feedback as “analysis”—from the word meaning to break things down into simple components—we may be able to neutralize the experience and accept it more openly.

Evaluate the evaluator. Effective receivers of feedback employ good critical thinking skills. In advance of your evaluation, you might ask yourself questions like: Is this evaluator someone who has more experience or expertise than I do? Is this someone whose opinion I generally respect and trust? Does this person have all the facts? For example, peer evaluation is at the very heart of Toastmasters. That’s a wonderful thing, as long as you recognize that everyone is learning just like you.

Whether performing onstage, working in an office, maintaining a personal relationship, or speaking at Toastmasters meetings, we are all subject to evaluation of one type or another.

Lynne Zander, DTM, knows a thing or two about poor evaluations.

“When I first joined Toastmasters in 2004, I presented a speech where I was doing a one-act play,” says Zander, a member of two clubs in Ontario, Canada. “One of the objectives was to not make eye contact with the audience, since I was presenting like I was onstage.”

Afterward, a veteran member criticized Zander for not having made eye contact with the audience. “He obviously hadn’t read the speech project evaluation or listened to the introduction,” she explains. “I was very embarrassed and hurt, especially since I was a new Toastmaster and had worked so hard on following the objectives.”

Determine what you need. According to the Pathways project, valuable feedback can hinge on the speaker telling their evaluator what specific skills they wish the evaluator to focus on. You might even consider having that area of focus mentioned in your speaker introduction as well. For the conference I created, I simply wanted to know if people enjoyed the speakers and what, if anything, they had learned from them.

Prepare. This includes both evaluating yourself and opening your mind and heart to listen. In theory, at least, your evaluator has your and the organization’s—or relationship’s—best interests in mind. Does your significant other need to talk? Hear them out without interrupting or allowing yourself to feel defensive. Open your mind to the possibility that they may be right even when the comments they make may not always feel good.
Incidentally, says Florida-based licensed mental health counselor Bobbi Newman, some people need to open their minds to compliments as well as to negative feedback.

“We tend to be more judgmental about our work than anyone else would be,” explains the former Toastmaster. “There’s an ‘I’m not good enough’ attitude that can push away anything that conflicts with that belief. It’s important to remember that Toastmasters is a playground to learn to breathe in all the support and friendship offered.”

The issue can also be cultural. According to a 2024 article on the BBC website, one study showed that as many as 94% of Nigerian English speakers were able to accept compliments, compared to 88% of South Africans, 66% of Americans, and just 61% of New Zealanders.

Take in the information you receive, then sit with it before reacting. You may feel ready to argue about points that feel unfair, but keep in mind that evaluators have had the opportunity to prepare their remarks, while those who are evaluated are hearing them for the first time. You don’t want to say anything you may later regret—or miss the chance to say something important.

When you’re ready, it’s fine to discuss the evaluation. “Sometimes I don’t agree with the evaluator, and I will talk to them about it,” says longtime Toastmaster and Past Division Governor Tim Knights, DTM, from the Florida Toastmasters Club in Johannesburg, South Africa. “It becomes another learning point. There’s almost always a good point to be made on either side.”

Thank the evaluator. The “Evaluation and Feedback” project reminds us to treat the evaluator with respect and courtesy. After all, feedback is, as Newman puts it, a “growth gift.”

“Sometimes I don’t agree with the evaluator, and I will talk to them about it. It becomes another learning point.”

—Tim Knights, DTM

Ask for another opinion if necessary. We do this with doctors, so why not evaluators? After all, unlike, say, hard data, much of what is evaluated is open to interpretation, taste, and perspective.

Re-engage. If appropriate, don’t let the conversation end when the feedback does. Pathways suggests making a list of areas for improvement. Then, suggests Newman, check in with the evaluator, especially if it’s a Toastmaster, boss, or significant other. Measure and note your progress in reaching your goals.

Finally, remember that you have the power to take from the analysis only that feedback that works for you—and helps you reach your full potential. After all, another ancient meaning of “analysis” is to set free.